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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.