Nighttime Hosts Target Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Residency Program
Television's top hosts used the airtime ridiculing ex-President Donald Trump's newly unveiled visa initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," characterizing it as a blatant cash-for-residency arrangement for the affluent.
The Late Show's Witty Spin
Opening his show, Stephen Colbert delivered a satirical holiday tune targeting the president. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, before giving that list to the agents at ICE," he intoned. "Trump ... destroys all he comes into contact with."
Colbert's target was the controversial plan which allows foreign citizens to acquire U.S. residency for the price of one million dollars, or "premium" option for $5 million. An official page guarantees processing "faster than ever."
"One thought here to rich immigrants: prior to you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert quipped.
He pointed out that the scheme is also meant to "get cash" from businesses wanting to hire foreign workers, requiring large payments. "That's a lot of fees, but if you enroll, you also get free accommodation at a hotel of your selection – if it's the a specific Marriott," he said.
"The best vetting the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these people truly qualify to be in America."
"That is important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Critique
On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."
"It's a card that will permit affluent international individuals to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."
"Perhaps it's time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your tired masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.
Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the form, saying it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."
"Indeed, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers discussing Economic Struggles
On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping poll numbers during economic anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were angry about the economy," he noted.
Recently, in a bid to tackle prices, Trump held a press conference in front of a selection of food items, where he reacted oddly to some cereal.
"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."
"He's so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"
Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative news coverage of Trump's financial performance. "Maybe rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to what FIFA did," he laughed.